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GOODBYES
?
On the day that the engagement was finalized, he sent Iinuma to the Ayakura manor and urgently insisted she meet with him in the Matsugae gardens, at the very back of the grounds where the cover of the maple trees would hide them from view. Although Tadeshina warned her of it, Satoko told her, watch over us in that case, so we won’t be disturbed, Tadeshina. Then she changed into a more discreet yukata and put up her hair in a style she didn’t usually wear it in, so that one wouldn’t necessarily make the connection and made her way across the district, her heart heavy and Tadeshina likewise dragging her feet.
He was waiting for her in their spot.
“Satoko!” he said in what would no doubt have been a distressed shout, if they were allowed such liberties now. She approached him, gaze lowered. He had no such reservations and came right up to her, grabbing her shoulders. “Is it true?”
Kiyo-sama, she found herself thinking, all of it is, between this moment and the next, whatever happens, it was true.
“Yes,” was all she said, still not looking at him.
“What do you mean, yes? You have to tell them you can’t, that you won’t! That you already have someone else!” His fingers dug into her upper arms, and she could feel her breathing hitching in her throat, whether from the pain of it – or from something else. Perhaps the difference was irrelevant, when all came down to it.
Whether her arm or her heart, it was an extension of herself, of course.
“It can’t be changed, Kiyo-sama,” she tried to explain to him, finally raising her eyes to his face, though it hurt her to look at him. He looked so vibrant, so full of life, in contrast she felt cold and dead to the core of her. “My family needs this connection. The Kuchiki family will secure us for the future.”
“Your family’s schemes matter more to you than me?” he demanded to know and his hands slid down her arms to her wrists which he gripped hard, shook her hands. In turn, her fingers curled into fists. How could he ask such a thing? How could he ever believe…? Meanwhile, Kiyo-sama was leaning all the way into her face, his dark eyes wide and desperate.
How could he…?
”You know my family’s situation very well,” Satoko heard herself bite out and although she tried to change the tone of her voice, it was too late. He was already drawing back. Letting go, looking scorned. As such, she could only carry on, her voice thick and trembling, ”you know I don’t enjoy the freedom that you have, we do not live similar lives, Kiyo-sama!”
“Who are you to put me in my place like this, Satoko,” he replied, turning his back on her a moment, his shoulders so elegant and so hard, why did he have to be so stubborn? His pride had always been his greatest weakness, ever since he was brought up alongside her in her father’s house. He didn’t take criticism well. Any little correction hurt him like daggers or fire. She usually found it a charming shortcoming in him, but not now. Now it frustrated her to no end. ”You aren’t my mother.”
She had answered him before she had time to weigh her words, she simply felt her temper flare, as if he was pointing a sword at her chest, threatening her whole existence with no valid justification. Her family’s existence, too. Oh, Kiyo-sama, she thought, did you absolutely have to?
“No,” she said and lifted her head with more pride than she felt, but it was this or cowering before him, which she didn’t want to. Reduce them to so little? Everything they had shared? Even going forward, she refused to do that. “I am not your mother, if I had held such a position in your life, surely I’d have taught you the truth about love.”
Before she turned away, towards Tadeshina who was waiting in silence and without any visible reaction just within hearing distance, Satoko caught sight of Kiyo-sama’s face. He looked crushed. She had crushed him. Her eyes felt wet. Satoko couldn’t run in her okobo shoes, so instead she hurried towards her nanny as fast as she could, as if bolting for shelter.
But before she could get away, Kiyo-sama had grabbed her by her left arm and hurled her back against him, making her stumble against his front. He caught her in both arms, holding her still, staring down into her face. She couldn’t look anywhere else.
”If you want to teach me about love, Satoko,” he said, his voice sharp with an edge of cruel intent, slowly bending his neck. Satoko shook her head and tried to tear loose, but he wouldn’t let her. “That’s what you should do, right?”
Then, he kissed her. Hard on the mouth. It hurt a little bit. A long moment, she hung like a ragdoll in his grip, then she twisted hard against him and tore away from the heat, the overwhelming heat of his body. Her lips were tingling, spit-slick and sore. He hadn’t held back.
More than anything, she needed him to not pursue her anymore, to never again want to.
“You’re a child, Kiyo-sama!” she yelled, ignoring Tadeshina’s brief look of horror that they might be found, discovered like this. “A spoiled child! Whatever I could teach you of love, you’d never understand unless you were to grow up first!”
His face fell the rest of the way. She turned away and began hurrying, all but running past Tadeshina in her tall shoes, not made for escape. And what was she escaping to? What waited on the other side?
The lesser of evils? She wasn’t sure.
The last thing she said to him before he couldn’t hear her any longer was, “I cannot help you with that, Kiyo-sama.”
She couldn’t even help herself, wasn’t that so?
He was waiting for her in their spot.
“Satoko!” he said in what would no doubt have been a distressed shout, if they were allowed such liberties now. She approached him, gaze lowered. He had no such reservations and came right up to her, grabbing her shoulders. “Is it true?”
Kiyo-sama, she found herself thinking, all of it is, between this moment and the next, whatever happens, it was true.
“Yes,” was all she said, still not looking at him.
“What do you mean, yes? You have to tell them you can’t, that you won’t! That you already have someone else!” His fingers dug into her upper arms, and she could feel her breathing hitching in her throat, whether from the pain of it – or from something else. Perhaps the difference was irrelevant, when all came down to it.
Whether her arm or her heart, it was an extension of herself, of course.
“It can’t be changed, Kiyo-sama,” she tried to explain to him, finally raising her eyes to his face, though it hurt her to look at him. He looked so vibrant, so full of life, in contrast she felt cold and dead to the core of her. “My family needs this connection. The Kuchiki family will secure us for the future.”
“Your family’s schemes matter more to you than me?” he demanded to know and his hands slid down her arms to her wrists which he gripped hard, shook her hands. In turn, her fingers curled into fists. How could he ask such a thing? How could he ever believe…? Meanwhile, Kiyo-sama was leaning all the way into her face, his dark eyes wide and desperate.
How could he…?
”You know my family’s situation very well,” Satoko heard herself bite out and although she tried to change the tone of her voice, it was too late. He was already drawing back. Letting go, looking scorned. As such, she could only carry on, her voice thick and trembling, ”you know I don’t enjoy the freedom that you have, we do not live similar lives, Kiyo-sama!”
“Who are you to put me in my place like this, Satoko,” he replied, turning his back on her a moment, his shoulders so elegant and so hard, why did he have to be so stubborn? His pride had always been his greatest weakness, ever since he was brought up alongside her in her father’s house. He didn’t take criticism well. Any little correction hurt him like daggers or fire. She usually found it a charming shortcoming in him, but not now. Now it frustrated her to no end. ”You aren’t my mother.”
She had answered him before she had time to weigh her words, she simply felt her temper flare, as if he was pointing a sword at her chest, threatening her whole existence with no valid justification. Her family’s existence, too. Oh, Kiyo-sama, she thought, did you absolutely have to?
“No,” she said and lifted her head with more pride than she felt, but it was this or cowering before him, which she didn’t want to. Reduce them to so little? Everything they had shared? Even going forward, she refused to do that. “I am not your mother, if I had held such a position in your life, surely I’d have taught you the truth about love.”
Before she turned away, towards Tadeshina who was waiting in silence and without any visible reaction just within hearing distance, Satoko caught sight of Kiyo-sama’s face. He looked crushed. She had crushed him. Her eyes felt wet. Satoko couldn’t run in her okobo shoes, so instead she hurried towards her nanny as fast as she could, as if bolting for shelter.
But before she could get away, Kiyo-sama had grabbed her by her left arm and hurled her back against him, making her stumble against his front. He caught her in both arms, holding her still, staring down into her face. She couldn’t look anywhere else.
”If you want to teach me about love, Satoko,” he said, his voice sharp with an edge of cruel intent, slowly bending his neck. Satoko shook her head and tried to tear loose, but he wouldn’t let her. “That’s what you should do, right?”
Then, he kissed her. Hard on the mouth. It hurt a little bit. A long moment, she hung like a ragdoll in his grip, then she twisted hard against him and tore away from the heat, the overwhelming heat of his body. Her lips were tingling, spit-slick and sore. He hadn’t held back.
More than anything, she needed him to not pursue her anymore, to never again want to.
“You’re a child, Kiyo-sama!” she yelled, ignoring Tadeshina’s brief look of horror that they might be found, discovered like this. “A spoiled child! Whatever I could teach you of love, you’d never understand unless you were to grow up first!”
His face fell the rest of the way. She turned away and began hurrying, all but running past Tadeshina in her tall shoes, not made for escape. And what was she escaping to? What waited on the other side?
The lesser of evils? She wasn’t sure.
The last thing she said to him before he couldn’t hear her any longer was, “I cannot help you with that, Kiyo-sama.”
She couldn’t even help herself, wasn’t that so?